Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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