You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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