my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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