You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
