I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
