just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
