A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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