There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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