why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
