why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
