The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
