His hands were made for my vagina.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
