note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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