do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
smell my finger.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
