I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
