My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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