I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
NoShamevember. You game?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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