I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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