Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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