If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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