Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
