My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
