Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
