sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
