Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
