I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
