so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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