there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
