You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
