oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
