I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
