I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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