My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
