I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
