oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
