just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
