I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Can Purell be used as lube?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
