Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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