I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
you never un-have a 4some
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
