i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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