there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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