meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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