i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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