Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
