this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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