1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
