Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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