Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
