i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
