dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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