Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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