Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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